pro-choice
April 18th, 2010 § 4 Comments
“Whether first families are formed via adoption or childbirth, they are essentially and fundamentally different from stepfamilies. Stepfamilies can be healthy, satisfying settings for adult and child development, but they are virtually never easy. And stepfamily and first family dynamics are extremely different from one another as copious clinical and anecdotal evidence shows us. No one is drawing a distinction here between biological and adoptive children. But stepfamilies are not first families, and the measure of a stepmother’s success should never be that she “loves them like they’re her own.” They’re not her own. They already have parents, and denying that is fundamentally confusing and damaging for the kids.”
Dr. Wednesday Martin, Psychology Today, “Let’s Stop Expecting Sandra Bullock to be a Stepmartyr“
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I’ve read a lot lately about how being a stepparent is different than being a biological/adoptive parent because stepparents don’t “choose” to have their stepkids. I choose to be a good, involved, loving stepmom to my stepkids; I choose it every single day. Yet, it seems like a lot of posts in the stepmom-blog-world focus mainly on how to protect yourself, your heart, your time, etc because the stepkids will wind up resenting you and besides, you’re “not their parent” anyway.
Why is there always a presumption that the stepmom did not choose the kids just as much as (albeit in a different way) she chose the husband? I know my situation isn’t like many stepfamilies; I feel incredibly lucky to have the relationship that I do with Calvin and Cupcake. I don’t hold it against anyone who doesn’t want to be involved in their stepkids’ lives or doesn’t love them as much as their bio-kids or who doesn’t get along with their stepkids, but I feel belittled when I’m told that I can’t possibly love my stepkids the way I would love an adoptive or biological child. In my mind, I did adopt these kids. The only thing that’s missing is a legal obligation to them (and yes, I know that is a big thing, but I think that if the love and choice are there, anything that would come from a legal obligation will follow anyway). Can we not fully love a child that doesn’t come from our own flesh? Can we not fully love something that comes from two other people?
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For what it’s worth, my two cents on the Sandra Bullock situation: If I were in Sandra Bullock’s shoes, I would be devastated by having to choose to “respect myself” by leaving my adulterous husband and – by doing so – effectively leaving my stepkids, who I’ve come to think of as my own. I wouldn’t think about staying because I “owed it to the kids,” I would consider staying because I love the kids and would have no rights to see them if I left. I’ve read a lot of commentary about Sandra’s predicament, and many - including the Wednesday Martin article linked at the top of this post – have opined that Sandra should leave James in order to respect and take care of herself – and that that choice would not be selfish. While I agree that Sandra should look out for herself, what if looking out for herself means keeping Sunny (her stepdaughter) in her life? That choice should be OK, too.
I found this post on Sandra interesting – stepmoms have a lot to lose when they choose to love their stepkids. The last thing the stepmom community should do is make stepmoms feel guilty or deluded for deciding to do so.
Don’t you think that what Wednesday is saying in her article is not that some women *can’t* choose to love their stepchildren, but that if it doesn’t happen that way for them, they shouldn’t be *blamed* for it?
What I read in her article is a call for the pressure on Bullock to “be there for Sunny” should be lifted so she can make a true choice, her own best choice, staying or going, whatever that is. She doesn’t, once, say that Bullock should leave, just that commentators who don’t understand stepmother reality and what she describes as Bullock’s “impossible bind” shouldn’t presume to pressure her to make a particular choice.
I guess the other point to make is that sometimes when we love our stepchildren and they can’t or don’t want to or aren’t free to love us back, we are burdening them. It doesn’t sound like that is the case in your stepfamily. But at least one of my stepsons couldn’t name anything he would hate more than being loved by me. That’s nothing to do with my behaviour to him – I’m loving, kind, interested, warm, blah blah blah – but entirely due to his own emotional reality at this point, and the actions of his mother.
Maybe one of the key binds here for stepmothers is that society demands we love our stepkids, but makes returning that love completely optional for the stepchildren themselves. The second part, in my opinion, is entirely understandable, but it makes the first expectation entirely unfair.
What do you think?
Hi Stepmum, thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I know from your blog that you’ve had a lot of trouble with Boy A (I believe) responding to your love and your efforts. As you mention, I don’t (as of now – knock wood) experience that with my stepkids, but I can only imagine the heartache and internal turmoil that must cause you. I think your statement about burdening him with your love is a very interesting one; if I may ask, have you simply “turned it off?” I think that’s what I recall from your blog – that you focus on the other boys and will hope Boy A comes around if/when he is willing and emotionally able.
I agree with much of what you wrote in your comment. (And you are right when you said Wednesday’s article didn’t suggest that Sandra leave. I’ve corrected the post – thanks!) I know that Wednesday is an absolute advocate for stepmothers/stepfamilies, and I agree that overall gist of her article was about the idea that stepmothers should not be blamed for a lack of closeness to their stepchildren (whatever the reason that lack of closeness is due to – it could be because the stepmom doesn’t want to be involved; it could be because the stepmom tries and the children reject her; etc.). I understand that those situations are real, and tend to be the rule, rather than the exception. I am certainly not saying that stepmoms should be blamed for not having a close relationship with their stepkids because I know that relationship oftentimes simply isn’t possible.
However, I was posting from the other side of the coin. I have read so much about how stepparents are not “real” parents and the stepkids already have “real” parents. I’ve commented on a few blogs, asking why adoptive/biological parents are considered “real,” when stepparents are not, and the response has often come down to “adoptive/biological parents choose to have their children; stepparents do not.” I find those words kind of hurtful, and they sting when I read them. As I wrote in my post, I do choose these kids, despite the fact that they are neither biological nor adopted. I hear from their mother all the time that I am not their “real” parent, and I think it sucks (to be blunt) that I hear the same thing from the very community that I turn to for support.
I don’t at all mean to judge the dynamics of any other stepfamily out there. I just would like to be considered as a valid, “real” parent, despite the fact that my kids are step rather than biological or adopted. In my opinion, it often seems like stepmoms are damned if they do have a great relationship with their stepkids, and equally damned if they don’t. I don’t think either is fair.
Thanks again for taking the time to chat.
This is such an interesting issue, I think.
I can certainly see why it would burn to be dismissed as not a “real” parent when you (and perhaps even your stepkids) do in fact see you as a real parent. Ouch!
And, as I’m sure you’re aware, your stepkids’ mother says those hurtful things because she’s actually afraid you may be more of a mother to them than she is!
I think perhaps it’s all in the swing of the pendulum; most stepparents are fighting so hard not to be seen as bad people/parents because they don’t have that “real parent” relationship despite not feeling or being seen by their stepkids as “real parents”, so you how do feel that way and have that relationship get caught in the backwash. We defend ourselves by saying “we shouldn’t have to be held to the love standards of “real” parents because we’re not!” and sometimes that somehow translates into the idea that stepparents can NEVER be “real” parents, and so shouldn’t be expected to be?
Ultimately, I think it comes down to individual family circumstances – if you and your stepkids feel that you are their real parent, then of course you are! If you’ve seen The Blind Side (with, incidentally, Sandra Bullock) you see a story about a young man who seems to considers his foster parents his real parents, despite having a living mother. And I have a close friend who considered her grandmother her “real” mother because she was raised by her instead of her birth mother. I’m sure it’s very common.
As for adoptive parents, I’m guessing there would naturally be a lot of protectiveness by adoptive parents about their “parentalness” and, again, maybe some of it spills over onto you, which must be hurtful.
Clearly, it may be the case that most stepparents didn’t choose their stepkids and so are different to adoptive parents that way, but if you did and continue to do so, and they choose to love you as a parent, then I would say that you are one of their parents.
Does that sound right to you?
I think the big risk here is when people proscribe and say “families work this way” or “families work that way” rather than “MY family works that way” or even “many/most families work this way”. There are so many different ways to love and be part of a family!
As for my family, yes, I’ve found it easier and safer to switch the attempts at loving for Boy A off. I try to continue to be compassionate and loving towards him, but now I focus on being receptive to any efforts he might make to reach out rather than actively trying to build a relationship.
In a way, I think this is the most constructive thing I can offer at this time. And it saves me from getting so burnt out as when I was reaching out and continually being rebuffed because of his loyalty bind. Mostly, he won’t even speak to me, refuses to acknowledge me except to make snide remarks and is generally as pointedly rejecting as he can manage. And I try to ignore those behaviours without being excluding. Actually, our stepfamily therapist says I probably need to start calling him more on his bad behaviours, which should be fun for all the family!
My aim at this time is to manage my responses, not take things personally and try to let time heal his wounds. Any other ideas are always welcome, though!
Bravo to you! In my opinion, I think what you and Wednesday and Stepmum of the year are writing and saying and feeling are all real and wonderful.
I think one of the biggest issues that stepmoms face is debunking the image of stepmoms that Disney created. Society opens their arms to stepkids who complain about the trials and tribulations of stepfamily life and having a stepmom yet if a stepmom feels frustrated in her role, she can often feel ashamed to share those feelings. Like they make her a bad person when they do not.
The greatest thing we can do for each other is to speak honestly and candidly about our life as a stepmom and embrace each other. I believe it is possible to love your stepkids as your own like you do and I also believe that it is okay if you do not. I’ve heard from many stepmoms who feel one way or the other. Each way is okay.
I think there are a lot of articles out there that discuss not loving your stepkids the way you love your own in order to help those stepmoms not feel isolated because they are not alone in their feelings. Just like there are many other stepmoms out there that feel the way you do.
I love my stepdaughters dearly but if I am being completely honest it does feel different then the way I love my four bio children. And I’m okay with that. I choose to be their stepmom and to love and nurture them. My one SD tells me I’m her real mom and that I’m the only woman who has never left her (tears). I love her dearly and would do anything for her. Yet the role of stepmom is still challenging.
I think the blogosphere has been a wonderful place for stepmoms to meet others like them and to not feel alone on their journey.
I am so thankful to have found your site and that you shared your heart w/ your readers. I look forward to getting to know you better.